People have been asking me how I feel about graduating. I’ve been telling them that sometimes I’m really excited to graduate and am looking forward to having completed this part of my education. And then I tell them that sometimes I cry. Because I’m scared. And I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself, my god, what am I going to do?
This week, the last week of classes, has been rough. I think I’ve cried every day, for some reason or another. And that makes me really tired. Physically, I am tired. Emotionally, I am drained. My nerves feel like they’ve been scraped, back and forth, with a rusty knife, shredding them into little sinews of despair. I’m tired of crying and of panicking and of feeling anxious and dreadful and melancholic and slightly suicidal.
Sometimes it’s helpful to take a step back and think about the possibility that I might be overreacting, just slightly. Or, more accurately, sometimes it helps when others tell me I might be overreacting and obsessing and that things are actually going to be just fine. I listen to these people, and I calm down a bit. And as soon as they leave the room I’m once again staring blankly at the wall as my mind races through my coming demise that is inevitably bound to occur about two and a half months after graduating. Perhaps my body will still be alive, but I will be a wretched, wretched being, void of anything meaningful, alone in my apartment, afraid to leave and see the sun for fear it might blind me.
Overreacting? Possibly. Probably. Most likely, yes.
Sometimes I have moments like the one I’m having right now. I can see I’ve been overreacting. I can see I’ve been a bit overdramatic. A little ridiculous, sometimes. Maybe. And, thank god, I can actually look a few days ahead and feel okay, even slightly hopeful and optimistic. I am able to think about the good things that can happen and that most likely will happen. I can see the positive aspects of having graduated and of having a good job and of being independent. And I can also recognize that this is a change, and change is not by definition a comfortable, easy thing. I can accept that. I actually feel like I can embrace that.
“Continuing on”—I think I like that better than “graduating.” It is more continuous, more organic. It doesn’t shelve this section of my life and put it away. Continuing on says simply that I will continue on. The good things will not end, though they might change in nature. But just because they are different doesn’t mean they are no less good than what I have been experiencing.
